The Moment I Said It
by AmyLeigh88
Summary: It's hard to live the same moment over and over again when all you feel is regret. Written for bandtogetherandfight's St. Berry Change the World challenge.


**Author's Note: **So this was originally written for **bandtogetherandfight's** St. Berry Change the World challenge but I can't ever seem to get anything done in a timely fashion. :) Despite missing the deadline, I thought I'd go ahead and post it anyways. So without further ado...

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><p>Sleepless nights. For about a month, that was how it had been. Dark circles and bags under your eyes were not the way you wanted to look when performing even if it was just in class, but there wasn't much one could do when you couldn't even go a single night without waking up from your dreams. Every night was the same. Close your eyes and hope to have just one peaceful night's sleep.<p>

It was always the same moment in time, like a loop that you just couldn't get out of. A puzzle. Or, more accurately, a game. One wrong move and things did not end well. So many different moves to make, but all it would take was one to get the desired ending.

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><p>The dreams always start the same. Rachel is standing in the living room of the apartment where the party is at and the music is thumping so loudly that one can barely think, but their eyes meet the moment Jesse walks through the front door almost like the moment has been staged.<p>

It wasn't the first time they had seen each other since that fateful day in New York Rachel's junior year. They had run into each other at Regionals in the spring, just months earlier. Despite the awkwardness, they had managed to be fairly cordial to one another. It was the first time that they had seen or talked to each other since Nationals. It was Rachel that had initially approached him. Jesse had seemed content to ignore her presence initially despite the fleeting glances that he sent her way. Rachel had been consumed with nerves, while Jesse had barely been able to keep his show face on long enough to hide the still-present hurt and anger over what had happened in New York less than a year earlier.

She had asked him about his Vocal Adrenaline coaching gig, and he had immediately made it clear that it was something that he had agreed to do while he improved his grades for a year in Akron and padded his transcripts so he could transfer to the school that he really wanted to go to. When the words New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts had tumbled from his lips, Rachel hadn't been able to hide her shock. She had even stumbled on her words as she had asked him why that school. In classic Jesse fashion, he had informed her that it was the premiere school for musical theatre and he was one of the best so obviously it was a perfect fit. He had then proceeded to tell her how he had nailed the audition a couple of months earlier.

He had then asked her what her plans were for the fall and she had told him that she had just been recently accepted to NYADA. He hadn't probed any further than that and with a smug expression had sarcastically asked her if the "ever-so-talented Finn" would be joining her even though he clearly knew the answer to his question. Her face had flamed at his obvious attempt to get a rise out of her, but instead she had simply informed him that Finn was going to Lima Community College in the fall. Unable to hide her irritation at the knowing smirk on his face at Finn's future plans, she had haughtily told him that Vocal Adrenaline wouldn't be winning Regionals this year then turned on her heel to leave.

His voice had stopped her in her tracks as he had called out her name. She had turned around to see that the smug expression of moments before was gone. "Good luck today," he had told her with sincerity. Rachel had been visibly flustered at the words that she had obviously not been prepared to hear. The only words that she seemed to be able to get out were "Thank you" before quickly running away.

They had been unable to avoid each other in school once they had arrived at NYADA in August, a month earlier, as they had begun their classes. Socially, they had run in different circles. Rachel had a couple of close friends that she had made while Jesse was the ring leader of his large group of friends that included some second-year students as well.

It's one of Jesse's second-year friends who is throwing the party that nearly everyone is at that night. They both seem to be going through the motions, talking and laughing with their friends, but they can't hide the fact that they are almost hyper-aware of one another. Maybe the alcohol has something to do with it. Maybe it is just the simple fact that despite their best efforts there is an undeniable attraction between them.

So it comes as no surprise to either of them that when Jesse walks out of the apartment to get some fresh air on the roof of the older building, Rachel isn't far behind. He is sitting in one of the chairs when he hears her emerge through the door to join him on the roof. It all seems to happen in slow motion. His head turns to look at her, his gaze stopping her in her tracks as she lets the door go.

"Don't let the door-" he begins as he watches it slam shut behind her. "Shut."

She turns around and stares at the door that she has just allowed to close, reaching out and jiggling the handle, trying to get it to open.

"You can't open it from out here," Jesse sighs, leaning back in the chair and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Not without a key. I'll have to call Ben to let us back in." Reaching into his jean pocket he searches for his phone but there's nothing there. "Fuck," he curses under his breath as he realizes that he's left his phone in his jacket pocket downstairs. "Please tell me that you have your phone with you."

Rachel looks at him sheepishly before shaking her head, her hands empty and also without her own jacket.

"Then I guess we'll just have to wait for one of them to have a nicotine attack and have to come up here to smoke," Jesse says, glancing over at Rachel.

Saying nothing, Rachel continues to stand by the door almost as if she's afraid to move or say anything.

"It might be a little while," Jesse tells her, motioning for her to sit down.

Finally, she finds her voice. "I'm fine, thank you." Walking over towards the edge of the roof, she stares out at the bustling metropolis sprawled out all around her. The only sound coming from the streets below them. Lost in her own thoughts, Rachel is startled as Jesse comes to stand beside her.

"You didn't follow me out here just so you could get a look at the view of the city from the roof," he says, the smirk on his face evident in his voice.

Rachel does her best to keep her expression neutral as she turns to look at him. Her show face will never be as good as Jesse's. "I wasn't following you," she lies unconvincingly.

He leans close so their faces are inches apart. "You never were a good liar," he taunts in almost a whisper before turning to lean on his elbows and rest his back against the edge of the roof.

Her slight shiver is noticeable, and they both seem to be wondering if it's because of their close proximity to one another or the cool late October night air. "Fine, I wanted to talk to you," she begrudgingly admits. "Alone."

"Well, mission accomplished," he remarks sarcastically, eyeing the door that is keeping them from going back to the party two floors below.

By the way she looks at him she expects him to go on, but when he doesn't say anything more it's obvious that he's waiting for whatever it is that she has to say. "You told me two years ago that what you had done to me was your one great regret," she begins. His posture goes rigid at her words but she charges on anyways in spite of his obvious discomfort at being reminded of their past. "Well, how I handled things with you at Nationals my junior year and then last year at Regionals…" She trails off, looking at him, but his eyes are fixed on the door. Almost as if he is willing it to open any second so he can escape whatever this moment between them is. "I'm sorry."

Jesse turns to look at her, an unreadable expression on his face.

Once again, Rachel fills the silence that passes between them. "I hate that we're not friends. I hate that the only time we talk is when we're in school," she rushes out like she's afraid that if she doesn't say it then she might lose her courage.

"It's not like you've made a concerted effort to change that," he scoffs, leaning on one elbow as he turns his body fully to face her.

"I know that," she snaps in irritation. Taking a long gulp from her cup, she finishes the rest of her drink.

"How is that oaf that you like to call your boyfriend?" Jesse asks, his voice laced with bitterness that he seems to be unable to mask. Clearly, time does not always heal all wounds.

"He's not my boyfriend," comes her quick reply as she looks away from him, her irritation with him steadily growing and bubbling to the surface.

"Well, isn't that interesting," he sneers as he pushes off of the roof and walks around to the other side of her, almost predatorily. They both know that he doesn't have to say anything more, but this is Jesse and he just can't leave it at that after everything that has happened. "So when did you finally accept the fact that you two were not, in fact, _true love_?" his voice is dripping with disdain as he says the last two words.

Rachel grits her teeth as she answers, whirling around to face him. "After Regionals."

Her words stop Jesse in his tracks and he looks at her. Unsure if he has just heard her right. "Huh," is all he says. It's written all over his face as the wheels turn in his head as he thinks about the timing and the fact that it was at Regionals that he had told Rachel of his plans to attend NYADA in the fall.

"It was not because of you if that's what you're thinking," she asserts, stepping closer to him.

"Like I said, you really are a terrible liar," he smirks before he steps around her and leans on the edge of the roof once again.

"Ugh, why do I even bother," Rachel exclaims in exasperation, throwing her hands up in the air and stalking dramatically back towards the door. Now it is her turn to will it to open.

"I don't know Rachel, you tell me," he yells out, the edge in his voice almost daring her to not finish what she had started by seeking him out and following him up to the roof.

Turning around, she faces him once again. "What do you want to hear me say, Jesse? That I made a terrible mistake at Nationals when I got back together with Finn?"

He chooses to answer her questions with silence.

"There are things that I would do differently," she admits as she approaches him once again. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. But I always needed to make that choice." The anger and frustration of moments before dissipating as quickly as they had come. "I always needed to have the senior year that I did."

"I'm so happy for you, Rachel," he congratulates her, his words laced with sarcasm. Just then the door opens as one of the party-goers from downstairs emerges outside to smoke. "Oh, thank God."

Jesse immediately starts for the door, but Rachel is hot on his heels. "Don't you walk away from me, Jesse St. James," she commands.

The hapless guy who has had the misfortune to stumble upon them is standing near the door and his eyes widen noticeably as they both quickly approach him. "Sorry to interrupt," the guy mutters before putting his cigarettes back in his pocket to go back inside. The door begins to close but Jesse jogs over to quickly grab it to prevent it from slamming shut again.

Reaching out, Rachel grabs his arm as he swings the door open wider to escape. "Please," her voice is quiet, begging.

For a split second, it seems as though he's going to ignore her and go back into the party as he takes a step forward but then he slowly closes the door and makes sure that it's slightly ajar. He turns around so that they are face-to-face once again when she says whatever it is that she wants to say.

"I realized that what I had with Finn might have been a great high school romance," she explains, doing her best to ignore Jesse's eye roll at her words. "That it would never be anything more than that because what I wanted was so much more than he would ever be able to give me. That as much as I tried to pretend like we were this perfect little couple, he would just never truly…_get_ me."

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, obviously wanting her to get to the point of why they were rehashing the past all of a sudden.

"Because…" she pauses in hesitation. "_You_ get me." Her words hang heavily in the air between them as neither of them says anything. The emotions warring inside of Jesse are evident on his face, but he remains silent.

The moment feels like a choose-your-own-adventure book where they both are weighing the options of how the next moment should play out and what the final outcome of that moment will be. She can kiss him and after a moment's hesitation from the shock of her lips on his once again, he will kiss her back. Or she can kiss him and he can push her away, rejecting her.

He can say nothing and let his kiss say everything that he can't. He can tell her that he feels the same way. He can walk away and never look back. Or…

Stepping forward, she stands on her tiptoes before placing a kiss on his cheek, her lips grazing the corner of his mouth. Then with a small sad smile, she moves around him and grabs the door, leaving him on the rooftop by himself.

He wills his stubborn feet to move. To finally put his pride aside and go after her. He desperately needs it to be different this time.

Turning, he grabs the handle of the door and opens it, finally stepping back into the stairwell that night after night he has never quite been able to get to. He bounds down the stairs as quickly as he can, catching up to her at the landing below. Rachel turns to look at him, surprise etched in her features as he reaches out and cups her face in his hands.

Her hands come up to lightly grasp his own as his lips meet hers in a tender kiss. Pulling back slightly to look at her, he rubs his thumbs across the apple of her cheeks. "I've missed you," his confession quiet. Then he's kissing her again and suddenly, the hurt, the anger, the pain, the heartache just don't matter anymore.

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><p>Jesse's eyes shot open at that moment, his happy ending becoming nothing but an altered memory. That was what he should have done. Instead he had allowed his stubborn pride to rule his emotions. Every night since he had been plagued by the same dream. He turned his head to look at the clock that read 3:30am.<p>

Grabbing his phone that was on the nightstand next to his bed, he looked down and stared at the black screen. He didn't want it to be only in his dreams anymore. He wanted her, to be with her. They were both in New York, going after their dreams. It was all wrong. They were always supposed to be doing this together, not apart. As much as it had stung at the time, deep down he knew that he and Rachel were never meant to be a high school romance. No their story was much more than that. This was when their story would really begin.

Sliding his finger across the screen, he found her number and let his finger hover over it. If he didn't do it now, then he might let things go back to exactly how they were. This could be his chance to finally change things. The thought of continuing the way he had been where his world was full of what-if's made him touch the screen and dial her number.

After it rang a few times, Jesse thought that perhaps she wasn't going to answer like he had hoped. He began to prepare a speech for Rachel's voicemail when she answered groggily. "Hello?" she answered, her voice gravelly with sleep.

Jesse sighed at the sound of her voice. "Rachel," he said quietly, unsure of what to say exactly. The speech that he had been preparing to leave on her voicemail disappearing completely.

"Jesse?" she asked, suddenly sounding a bit more alert than she had moments before. "Are you alright?"

He smiled at the concern in her voice for him. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just…" he trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence.

"It's 3:30 in the morning," she informed him. He could just picture her looking over at her alarm clock. "Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk," he replied. "I couldn't sleep." A beat then, "I just needed to hear your voice."

"Oh," came her response on the other end of the line. "But after what happened at the party, I thought that…"

"I made a mistake," he told her. His entire life, it had never been easy to admit that he was wrong. About anything. But with Rachel, he found that he did and said things that he never would have dreamed of if it were anyone else. He had meant it when he had told her that she mattered more to him than fame all those many months ago. He still meant it. They both knew exactly what his mistake had been so he there was no need to elaborate any further. It was time for a fresh start. "Will you meet me for breakfast before class in the morning?"

He heard her sigh as the question seemed to weigh on her mind before she answered. "Sure," she agreed finally.

After he told her when and where they would meet for breakfast they said their good-nights and hung up their phones. Jesse lay there in the darkness for a few moments, a satisfied smile on his face. There would be no Shelby, no Finn, no rival glee clubs, no secrets. It would just be the two of them. Rachel was actually giving him another chance and this time he would make sure that it lasted. He sighed in contentment as he closed his eyes and felt as though a tremendous weight - the weight of the world - had been lifted off of his shoulders. Jesse realized that he was being a bit overdramatic. After all, he hadn't changed the world, but he knew - could feel it - that what he had set in motion would change _their_ world.


End file.
